Tuesdays with Grammy

Hey, me…. :)

It's fun to think I am writing on the internet, where everyone can see my thoughts but no one will read this. It's sorta like how my momma would always be incogneto at my volleyball games because she doesn't like people. So, even though theres so many people around, I feel pretty secluded.
Anyways, back to the point! During second semester, Grandma Holman and I thought up of a great idea to read Tuesdays with Morrie together. It was the best idea i've heard in my entire life. Grama wanted to read the book but the words are too small, I want to be with her and spend time but we are so far away from eachother, and I also enjoy talking about the important things in life with gramma, she's a wise women. I have learned alot from talking to her over the phone and these memories will last a lifetime.
Grandma also thought of the idea to write real letters to each other, we would pick what we would want the other to write about. She sent hers to me and I will share what it said after I write mine, which is taking forever. I started a while back but lost everything I had written so I am going to start over on here! Where, hopefully, I won't lose it. :p

Dear Grama Holman,

"One day spent with someone you love can change everything." - Thats a quote by mitch albom, not in our book but from "For One More Day". I just wanted to say how much I love you, and how everytime we talk on the phone for hours or read together, It changes my whole outlook on life and brings me back to ground.
So you wanted me to write about my goals, both short and long term, because you say it's nice to have a idea where you'd like to go. Even though we both know God's plan can take you in a totally different direction, but he turns whatever decision you make into the best scenario for His purpose and our lives. So, as of my short little 19 year life, this is where I see myself heading.
Short term:
School -
I want to graduate from AU
Get a Internship in D.c, so much to do there it would be a waste if I didn't
enjoy the city life because i am not sure I would want to live there my entire life.
I would enjoy to study abroad, I want to look into scholarships to help me out, there are plenty out there.
Join a acadmic club
Stay focused and motivated and ontop of my school work and grades, that is why I am in college anyways.
Volleyball-
I want to come into volleyball this season with confidence in God's natural talents he's given me. I all too many times think that how I am in volleyball is soley because of me and that either places too much pressure or creates overconfidence and neither are healthy. But if I just do the best I can with God as my platform, I don't need to worry about being cocky because nothing is from my own and I can still be humble no matter how good I become because all the credit goes to God. I feel like the more I mature, the easier this becomes for me. So this summer, I have been working out everyday and getting into good physical condition but also conditioning my mind, so when I return to the team in the fall I can be a sound solid player. Whether or not im the libero, or a ds or a bench warmer or decide volleyball is not for me, it will be okay, because volleyball is not my life's purpose nor does it define me. I can only truly enjoy the talents God's given me when I am willing to go without them if He asked. Which now I can answer Yes but before I most definitly let volleyball consume my life and become a idol and let it dicate my entire day. You can even tell by the length of this section, how big of a part it is in my life and is still something I need to check before God daily.
However, once I realize God is the fountain of which everything flows, including volleyball I am able to shine to my full potential for God and he will guide me. This quote pretty much sums the solution to my thoughts regaurding volleyball, because I would put so much pressure of doing the best I can, without God and then would be scared to do good because I would try to be humble and not do too good so others didn't feel inadequate.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
My platform I play for everyday is God's glory and that is humbling and makes me wanna do the best I can for Him and whatever come out of it volleyball wise is trivial.
Church-
I want to continue to form great relationships at my chuch on campus, maybe get involved more with the leadership side.
I want to hang out with my friends in the church more, I think they are such great people and I just need to take the initative.
I want to join a church community outside of campus too! Maybe one where I can help them with their youth program and a church that doesn't really have much and could use some help.
Invite people to church and small group more once I have a relatonship with them.
FCA-
I will be leading fca this year along with two other of my friends. I love that we split the leadership roles up and share because it makes individual relationships within fca easier and that gets people involved and everyone is good at something different.
I want to plan to set up a booth and try to invite more non varsity athletes
Get the word out, we just started the club not even a year ago so it will be really open to growth.
Try to get the new girls/old girls on my team involved more and a rep from every team
I am just really excited with all the ideas I have in my head
-tshirts
-more events/outtings on the weekends and tuesdays
We started with 9 and we had 20 at one meeting so I know God is going to work in so many more great ways!
Personal:
I want to work on being more cleanlier :p as far as my room goes in college.
I am trying to cook more often so I can learn in case I ever need to fend for myself
I want to start journaling my thoughts more, like they don't have to be long but I know I will enjoy looking back on them in the future.
I want to get a job nannying, on campus, or off campus next school year. I love to be busyy
Trying to not wish this time by too fast and enojoy every day,stage,year,and moment of my life. I just get soo excitedd!

But yeah, those are my goals for not gramma. Next blog post/ letter will be about my long term goals, and then the goals I want for my relationships. I don't want to write down it all in my first letter but this is a great start and my plans for the next three years, improving myself everday with the help of God and just trying to draw myself closer to him and when I do that everything else follows suit. "we are all in the process of becoming" so i know I won't be done by the time I graduate but then I can work hopefully being a great wife and mother…. in the future…. not any time soon :p

I love you so much great gramma
see you soon,
Alex

Lessons Learned….

It has been a while since I last wrote and so much has gone on in my life, both physically & spiritually. My freshman year has been a whirlwind. Everyday zooms by and now 1/4 of my college is almost complete. I feel like I have grown so much my first year of college and have learned so many valuable life lessons. I have learned a couple key things:

- life's circumstances should have no control over your happiness

- God has a perfect plan for our future all we have to do is trust him & his will

- Make sure you take time & slow down in this crazy life because moments pass way too fast and you don't want to wake up one day wondering where they all went.

- Remember what/who is important to you & keep perspective on things

-Don't judge a book by its first cover, impression, or even the first couple chapters because once you get to know people, you better understand the reasons behind what they do & can appreciate/accept them for that.

- the tough times and the stages in your life where you say, "Once i just get through this i can really start to live" is your actual life passing, so enjoy the journey.

- the key to a successful job is doing something your passionate about and you won't feel like you are working.

- wear your heart on your sleeve & love people with no stipulations

-It's easier to be you than a second rate version of someone else. When you do that people will respect you for it more and you will respect yourself.

-Those who mind don't matter & those who matter don't mind

- Take the risk & live for the moment because you don't get another shot

- If you don't have time to do it right now, when else will you have time to go back a re-do it?

- “Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don't rent them out to tomorrow. Do you know what your doing when you spend a moment wondering how things are going to turn out tomorrow? What am I doing? Your cheating yourself out of today. Today is calling to you, trying to get your attention, but your stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today you wasted is gone forever. It's now yesterday. Some of those moments may have had wonderful things in store for you, but now you'll never know. ”

-“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”
(This quote reminds me not to be afraid to try my all in volleyball, even if I fail and to not be afraid of success. As long as I try my best & never stop at just average for the sake of saving me from the pain or staying on the good side of teammates. I need to take the risks and fight the good fight because if I don't someone else will.)

- “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

- first rule: never let him change you

- Rule two: do you, to the fullest & never be ashamed to. You're just good at what they can't do & they hate that they wanna paint you any color put you in another but what they don't accept and what they don't see is the best thing is what you already be."

- you are never alone.

- despite your circumstances there are people who are worse off than you so be grateful.

- Mothers are god's gift to earth, especially mine. I took that for granted

- Family is the most important thing in your life after god and always remember that.

- Bestfriends can get you through anything & never leave no matter how far away they are.

- The best quotes come from the Bible, I need to remember that more & actually read what it has to say
since my whole life is based off of its content.

- prayer of a righteous man is powerful & take up everything you have with god. It shows that you trust him with those things.

-Try new things

-Learn from the past & invest in the future

-More people watch you than your think & you effect people and touch their lives more than you think

- It's later than you think to start to live you life how you want to. Never hesitate

- I want to leave a legacy How will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough To make a mark on things? I want to leave an offering A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically And leave that kind of legacy

- All my fountains flow from HIM.

- Reading a good book & painting your nails with some hot cocoa is the best evening.


- Greatfulness can take you a long way

- Invest in relationships of all kinds, & help people because most of the time you're the one being helped.

- God is faithful & just and has the perfect plan for our life. So boast in the sunshine and boast in the rain because both are needed on our walk with God.

- God is my rock

A feel good song...

These past two nights have been pretty difficult, I've cried myself to sleep both nights. I feel sad that I am leaving everyone I love and everything i've ever known. Change is a scary thing. This song helps me get through the tough times. I really love the Superchicks. I don't really feel like i can relate to anyone either because no one is leaving when i am leaving and no one really understands how i feel. I mean yes, people I am leaving behind will miss me but they won't have to go through all of the stresses of college and volleyball. They will still be in the familiar setting i've always been used to. I guess the only thing that is constant is change and change.

This is just my biggest adventure i've had to face of my life yet and I am just overwhelmed with emotions. Part of me wants to just go in a hole and say my goodbyes now so i can get it over with but the other part of me wants to see everyone as much as possible. All I really want to focus on though are my close friends and my family, mostly my mom. It has been me and her for as long as I have known and all of that is about to change. It's going to be different but this will make me a stronger person.

Tonight I pray that God continues to work in my life with volleyball and using volleyball to be a positive christian student athlete role model. I pray that God prepares my heart to leave all of my loved ones behind and embark on my new journey. I pray that he continues to ease my restless soul and calm my nerves and help me rest my confidence on him and give him my burdens. He did say "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthews 11:28. Continue to guide me along your will for my life lord and hold my heart in your hands. amen.

The target....

Life is often so chaotic and event filled that we often lose sight of our one and only purpose and goal here on earth, which is to have a intimate relationship with god. We were created to live for him, not be the best volleyball player, be the prettiest girl, or the smartest student. No, god made us to love him with all our hearts, with all our souls and all our minds and then to share this godly love with others. In this crazy world I've created for myself, I often find my self too consumed in my life and all of my things on my to do list and don't take time to realize the bigger picture. If we live for god's purpose everything else will fall into place. He has the perfect plan for our lives and with that being the case today's word is TARGET. Target is something you reach to everyday and work towards your entire life. Not only as christians but as disciples of Christ we are called to partake in many daily activities that keep our eye on the target or the goal.
Things God has suggested we do to reach closer to his target are these:

Go to God in prayer daily (John 15:7).

Read God's Word daily (Acts 17:11); begin with the Gospel of John.

Obey God moment by moment (John 14:21).

Witness for Christ by your life and words (Matthew 4:19; John 15:8).

Trust God for every detail of your life
(1 Peter 5:7).

Holy Spirit - allow Him to control and empower your daily life and witness (Galatians 5:16,17; Acts 1:8).

If you think about it, when we get so caught up in our daily lives, we don't go to God in prayer or read in word. We are ignorant and selfish and think that God doesn't really know how to deal with the chaos in our lives and that we are better off just handling this one ourselves. But however this thought we have is false, God has been through everything we have and will go through. He is so much more powerful and mighty that we will ever comprehend, therefore, there is no one else that can help you through your struggles than God.
‎"When I am consumed by my problems--stressed out about my life, my family, and my job--I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God's command to always rejoice. In other words, that I have a "right" to disobey God because of the magnitude of my responsibilities...worry and stress reek of arrogance." -F. Chan, Crazy Love

If we fail to change our ways and continue to drift away from his and consume ourselves with out own worry he will find a way to put things into prospective. I’d rather humble myself than force God to humble me. If volleyball ever got too consuming and was not a way to honor god's glory for giving me this great opportunity to be seen by many people as a role model, god would take volleyball away. That would be his way of saying, " my child, alex, volleyball is not in my perfect plan for you and I fell that you are drifting away from me. I am standing here waiting and asking, why won't you choose me? I am longing to be loved fully. I want you to take delight in all my ways and love me with all of your being." I have to constantly remind myself, that he is almighty and powerful and will take your good things away if they become god things. I have to keep my eye on the target, and just think of everything else as a way to give glory to God and spread his word.

So tonight I pray that God helps me keep my eyes on the target, which is to live and die for his purpose and glory. Help me keep my prospective on the bigger picture of life and not get caught up in my meaningless worries and petty problems. Through prayer and my intimate relationship with you God there is nothing I can not overcome. Continue to guide me along your path, lord, and prepare my heart for my transition into college and volleyball at AU. I want to perform good to help my family but if it is not in your plan for my life God, allow me to accept that. I would love nothing more to be able to do good at volleyball so i could give my mom a break she so much deserves and I want to honor you in the process. I want my story to be shared as a testimony. I know there are plenty of kids who look up to me especially being involved in sports and just keep my mind focused on you Lord, and help me be the role model you would like me to be. Help me remember that volleyball is not my life's purpose, whether I do great or don't, you will love me just the same everyday, for eternity, and that is all i'll ever need. Amen.

The meaning behind...

The reason I picked the name of my blog is partly because of this poem:


The Four Candles, Author Unknown

The Four Candles burned slowly.
Their Ambiance was so soft you
could hear them speak...

The first candle said, "I Am Peace, but these days, nobody
wants to keep me lit." Then Peace's flame slowly
diminishes and goes out completely.

The second candle says, "I Am Faith, but these days, I am
no longer indispensable." Then Faith's flame slowly
diminishes and goes out completely.

Sadly the third candle spoke, "I Am Love and I haven't the
strength to stay lit any longer."
"People put me aside and don't understand my
importance. They even forget to love those who are
nearest to them." And waiting no longer, Love goes out
completely.

Suddenly...A child enters the room and sees the three
candles no longer burning. The child begins to cry, "Why
are you not burning? You are supposed to stay lit until the
end."

Then the Fourth Candle spoke gently to the little boy,
"Don't be afraid, for I Am Hope, and while I still burn, we
can re-light the other candles."

With Shining eyes the child took the Candle of Hope and
lit the other three candles.

Never let the Flame of Hope go out of your life.
With Hope, no matter how bad things look and
are...Peace, Faith and Love can Shine Brightly in our lives.

A New Chapter...

Hello,

I have always wanted to start my own blog, not necessarily for anyone else but myself. I love to journal my thoughts but I feel that blogging online is a helpful way to organize my many thoughts. Since attending church at port city, Mike has taught me to journal just one word a day and really focus on that word. So the word for today is Confidence. As a nervous person to begin with, confidence is a daily struggle. I strive daily to have my confidence come through god and his power. Having Confidence in god empowers us, protects us, assures us and strengthens us. It lets us know that we will never walk through the valley of death alone and afraid. However, we will walk sure footed and confident that " If god is for us, who can be against us?". That verse constantly plays in my head when i am feeling unsure of my self or my future. It is this confidence in God that is going to make it possible to achieve and accomplish anything and everything that God the Father sets out before us. Confidence in God drives out fear, doubt, anxiety, and worry, and allows us to exist in a state of assurance.

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

Through Jesus Christ you have the power to do anything that is in the will of God. Jesus Christ is the only one that can enable you with the power and ability to overcome and succeed in any situation. If you keep your focus on Jesus Christ he promises to give you the strength and the ability to succeed. However, please keep in mind that God is under no obligation to strengthen us or enable us to succeed at something that is not in his will.

His will for our life is a perfect plan. We live for him and because of him and we need to keep that in mind throughout all of our days on this earth. There will be times that will challenge you but you must remember that their is a greater purpose going on than just your wishes and desires. It is in those moment that you need not try to understand his will for your life but just have confidence that he will guide you along the righteous path, which is greater than we could ever try to plan out for ourself.

So today, my prayer is that I will have confidence in myself, in my abilities that he has given me, in my future, and in my purpose. I pray that I will hand him over all of my worries about college, volleyball, and change. I pray that he always keep me in touch with my bigger purpose, which is to live and die for him. I am so grateful for everything that he has blessed me with everyday. I have a loving family full of great role models, a great church family, wonderful friends, a promised future, the ability to play volleyball, and to praise him through everything he has blessed me with. Thank you. amen.

Faith Peace Love & Hope
Alex